Always My Jeff

I had no intention of writing today until……. I was sitting here catching up on emails and I looked over to see Blue basking in the sun. He looked so content with the sun on his face. I thought, WOW, something so simple could bring him happiness and peacefulness! I actually teared up as I just stared at him. We are always in such a hurry, planning the next thing, worrying about tomorrow that we really do let the simple moments slip past us. I am pretty sure that those simple moments that we miss could probably bring us more joy than we could imagine. We are so serious. We need to laugh more often. We are so programmed. We need to do things “just because” more often. The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait (unless of course you have already worn that last outfit a couple days). The broom will be there in a hour. That moment might only last a few seconds and then will be gone forever. Do not let it get past you. Watch the sunrise at least once a week. Watch the sunset as well. Smell the flower blooming outside your door. Smile at the stranger that you are sharing a grocery store aisle with for a moment. Share these moments with those people that are important to you. Put your phone away and actually talk to that person face-to-face. I have learned that Quality over Quantity is a thing! Even though it might just be a moment, it could be the best moment of the day. The moment that makes you breathe a little easier, stress a little less, smile a little more. Technology has been a gift and a curse all at the same time. We don’t engage in our surroundings anymore because we are engaged in our technology. I will be the first to admit I am one of those people. My phone and laptop became my escape when I lost Jeff. They could take me places that I couldn’t go to at that time. They could connect me in a way nothing else could. I am glad that I realized I had to get “back on the horse” and go out because otherwise, I could have withdrawn to a place that would have been so difficult to leave. I still rely on my phone far too much but I am working on that. I am a work in progress on so many levels but I am working so that’s a good thing. And now, as I end this impromptu post, I am going to head out and take in some moments! I wish all of you at least one moment today. If you have a good one, let me know because I would love to hear about it!!!

Time and tide wait for no man. – Chaucer.

There are so many great quotes and this is definitely on the list. We are always “going to”. We are going to get together. We are going to relax. We are going to take a trip. And on and on and on it goes. Jeff and I were going to do a lot of things but that list ended on 1/14/2017…..or did it??? Jeff and I had our retirement all figured out. We were going to travel. We thought about seeing the US in a motorhome but then I decided we might be better off with 2 small ones. We could park side by side, sightsee during the day, have dinner together and then retreat to our separate vehicles……Hey! I was just trying to save someone’s life!! I guess, the thought of being together that much in such tight spaces scared the crap out of me!! That is because Jeff and I were pretty much opposites. The easiest way to sum it up is that I’m the 1/2 full part while he was the 1/2 empty part but together we made a full glass!! OK, back to the list…….I thought when he died so did my list. After 2 years of Susan mandated mourning, I pulled my head out of my arse and decided I could really do it. Not necessarily with him but definitely for him. The one thing that I set out to accomplish was an NHL game in every arena. I deleted any that we had previously visited and started the “Official Bucket List” tour. Philly was easy….I had season tickets. Then came The Coliseum (that’s got funny stories attached, just ask Evan), Madison Square Garden, and Capital One Arena. I had tickets to the Devils but freakin’ Covid changed those plans! Over the past three seasons I have added PPG (at least one Flyers game a season) and Nationwide. I know this is slow going but I’m going!!! I did some traveling as well. The biggest one was Switzerland, by myself, for a weekend, to go to a Flyers game!!! OK, so I flew by myself. Luckily for me, I have an amazing friend who lives in Switzerland so once I got there…… I often sit thinking about how things were supposed to be. I had a plan, Jeff had a plan, we had a plan but we all know what they say about best laid plans! I have decided that I am not going to wait for time nor the tide because as the saying goes, neither will wait for me! I try to see people when I can. I try to do things when I am presented an opportunity. I try to limit regrets on the daily. Does that mean it all gets done? No!! Do I do things that I probably would have never done before? Yes!! Are things different than I had expected? Yes! Is that a bad thing? No! I am still breathing for a reason. Do I know the ultimate reason? No, but I do know that I am still on this earth to accomplish something. Maybe it’s the NHL thing, maybe it’s seeing a place I fall in love with and eventually move there, maybe it is just as simple as God can’t figure out where to put me when that time comes. I have no idea why but here I am and I am going to live!!! It’s not the same…..but that’s ok!!!!

I’m not going to lie…..I have been having a bit of a tough time. Easter, for whatever reason, hit me hard this year and the funk was a deep one. I am definitely working out of it and that is always a good feeling. I do believe that sometimes the “funks” can be good even though they can make me feel so badly. The funks bring the memories to the front of my mind which can be difficult and amazing all rolled into one. I know that sounds strange but I think I have come to learn that the reason it hurts so badly is because the good was SO good and now that it is gone it hurts SO much. I have decided to make an effort to focus on the good rather than allow the bad to overshadow that. I can sit around all day long going on and on and on about all the things I am missing now that Jeff is gone but what would that do? It would make Jeff terribly disappointed in me. It would make him watch me not live the life that I have been gifted to have. Everything happens for a reason and while I still do not understand why he is no longer here or why I am, a fact is a fact. I am here and the most disrespectful thing I could do to him and his memory is to not live the life I have been given. Jeff wanted the best for me. He worked hard to give me an amazing life. He loved to see me happy. I need to continue allowing myself to see that in the memories and the moments now.

Here’s where the 2.0 comes in. The term 2.0 is used postpositively to describe a new and improved version or example of something or someone. I definitely have a 2.0 version of me now. I am far more appreciative of opportunities that are presented to me. I have been able to do things that I probably would have never had the guts to do prior. I literally went to Switzerland for a long weekend to see the Flyers play a preseason game. I have gone camping and have loved the peace, the tranquility, and the disconnect from my phone (still have not given up the need for an actual toilet and shower). I have sold a house and bought my very first “just me” house. I have become a landlord. I have bought an airline ticket on a Monday to start a long weekend in Florida on a Thursday! The list goes on and on and on. But the thing is, that list is just beginning. I have a To Do List a mile long and I know that I will probably never finish it but as long as I am trying….. Now I can tell you that with this 2.0 version comes a little bit of guilt. I often wonder if Jeff would have liked/loved this version better than the one I gave him. There are times that I know for sure that would be the case but on the flip side, he loved me and the original version and I find comfort in that. I do believe that he is watching over me, giving me the strength I need during the times that I desperately need it (thanks for the dimes!). Here’s to Susan 2.0 which I only hope becomes Susan “2.0 and then some”!!!

I know it sounds weird but the past 7 years have gone by insanely quickly as well as unbelievably slowly. I sometimes feel like it was a lifetime ago that Jeff was here and then think that it was just yesterday. This “anniversary” was a tough one for me. I think that going into remembering the 9 days of hell still tired from the trip and dealing with my “souvenir” of Covid made this one harder to handle. I was already physically at a disadvantage so that made me emotionally vulnerable. Or, it could just be that I really missed him. Anything is possible when it comes to these things and I just brace myself and hold on until the ride comes to a complete stop! I posted the above picture because this was the first sign I received from Jeff. As I said before, I was so upset with him because Molly was getting signs all over the place and I was receiving absolutely nothing and then finally in February, I found this in a location it had not previously been. It is Jeff’s handwriting. I spent hours googling it to see where it came from and found nothing. Yes, I truly believe that Jeff sent this to me. So much so that I eventually had it tattooed on my arm so that I would never lose it or forget it. When I’m having a rough day, I pull up my sleeve, read his words, and carry on. I continue to find dimes in random places and every time I do, I thank him for letting me know he’s around. Today, Molly and I were texting and she asked me what time Jeff had passed. I told her it was around 3:50 am. Molly then proceeded to tell me that Quinn, who has been sleeping through the night for some time now, had a strange night. She then told me that at 3:51 am, he was “talking” in his crib. He never cried and eventually went back to sleep. I have no doubt that Jeff went to visit Quinn. I know that our grands have the best guardian angel ever and he will always be around for them. If I never receive another sign again, I would be ok with that as long as he continues to visit Lucas, Quinn, and Nora. Well, we have survived another year without him and even though it is the hardest thing we will ever do, we have so much to be thankful for and that is what continues to get us through. His time here was not long enough but what an impact he made. Every Second, Every Day.