Always My Jeff

I have spoken about “someone always has it worse” and every now and then, something will happen that will show me how very true that is but this event has rocked me. South Jersey can be small and Salem County even smaller. The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is cut down to three or four at most. The ice hockey community is the same way. Spending hours in the rinks allows you to form bonds with families that will often change after the seasons are over but will also often last a lifetime. Since my kids were hockey players and I grew up in Washington Township, many of those hours were spent in the Hollydell Rink. New friendships were formed and I had the honor of watching some amazing kids grow up. One of those kids was Johnny Gaudreau or as he came to be known, Johnny Hockey. Fast forward, I sat in the stands of Nationwide Arena in 2023 and happily told Mark all about the Jersey boys on the ice…..Johnny and Eric Robinson (another player whose family entered my life because of my Hollydell years). In addition, I taught in Salem County (one town over from where the Gaudreau Family lived) and I watched the boys become Hometown Heroes. A title that was well deserved. They gave back to the community. They happily interacted with people and posed for pictures when asked. Kids eyes would light up when they were in the company of the boys. The biggest thing was that they were just boys from Salem County and they were HOME. But now for the true reason for this post………almost every second of the day right now, I think about the Gaudreau Family. The absolute pain that Guy and Jane are going through due to the loss of their amazing sons. The absolute pain that Kristen and Katie are going through due to the loss of their amazing brothers. The absolute pain that Meredith and Madeline are going through due to the loss of their amazing husbands. The senseless loss of two men who had unbelievable futures ahead of them. The loss at a time when the family was supposed to be celebrating Katie’s wedding. In a NY minute…….. But with all this pain, I have watched this family demonstrate such strength and grace that it humbles me. Young widows who are just thankful for what they had and vowing to take care of each other and their babies. This family has had to wrap their heads around something that is beyond understanding and they have had to do that with the world watching. I struggled to do this and my loss was not all over the media. I’m not sure how I want to describe how I feel about this but I guess the way to put it is this has knocked me down a peg or two. I mourned for myself because I lost a man who I had in my life for 30 years and it took me years to be able to appreciate what I had had instead of grieve for what I wasn’t go to have. Here are these young women speaking so strongly within days of their loss. I mourned for my children when Jeff passed away and now I see three babies who have lost their Daddies and can’t even understand it. It all breaks my heart. And now, when I “slip”, I will think of Meredith and Madeline in order to pull my shit together and remember to be grateful for what I had and let go of what I will not! God Bless the Gaudreau Family. God Bless Johnny and Matty. Even Heaven needs hockey!!!

And in the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” The Gaudreau family has shown how tall they can stand…..together!!!

Sometimes it is easy to get wrapped up in grief. Grief can become all consuming. Grief can hit you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes there will be a warning and then other times, BAM! It can go as quickly as it comes or it can linger. It can ruin a good time, a good friendship, a good relationship, a good life, and on and on. But even though it is so damn powerful, it is still not the thing that should define us. While it is the biggest tree ever, it is still not the forest!!

So, here are some of my amazing trees because my forest is worth seeing!! I was fortunate to have married someone who loved me and because of him, I was given the most amazing children who have now given me the most amazing grandchildren.

I fulfilled a lifelong dream and became a teacher!

I built an amazing home in Delaware where my family made so many great memories. Then, I did something I never did before….I bought a car on my own AND a house on my own!

I have traveled to so many amazing places with so many amazing people. I don’t even like beer but I sipped Guinness in Ireland and drank a beer in Germany!

I have been able to cheer on my favorite team for almost my entire life. First in my childhood home with my parents and then from our (Jeff and I) season ticket seats and then my season ticket seat. I continue to do that on the road. I even snagged a proposal along the way!!

Yes, grief is and always will be a part of me but it is NOT my forest!! It is a tree that I will deal with when it starts to become overgrown. I will not care for it because it is hardy enough and does not need me to help it grow. There are so many other great trees that make up my forest and they will be the ones that I will care for to make sure they are healthy and continue to grow. Who knows….maybe the grief tree with be so surrounded by the good trees that it will appear smaller and smaller until it is barely seen.

I, more than anyone, know how to beat myself up. I’ve never been thin enough, pretty enough, motivated enough, and on and on I could go but…….I am trying to learn to be more kinder and gentler to myself. That is something I have easily been able to do for others but never for me. I guess I took being a cheerleader pretty seriously. I have been a cheerleader (literally and metaphorically) all my life. I have cheered people on for as long as I can remember and it is kinda sad to me that I could do it so freely for others and not for myself. And now, as I teeter on the edge of another decade (warning, it’s probably not a good idea to talk to me in November of 2025 because I don’t see this birthday being very welcome but who knows!) I do realize that I am still here for a reason. I remember thinking (and still do at times) “Why am I still here because Jeff would have done this survivor thing so much better than I ever could??” And then I think of Lord Tennyson, “Ours is not to wonder why. Ours is just to do or die.”  So here I am…..doing! Not doing what I thought I would be doing but I am doing. I’m doing things to make Jeff proud. I’m doing things when the opportunity presents itself. I’m trying to do things because I may never get the chance again and to live with regret is an awful thing. And back to me…….I’m doing things to see myself differently. I am going to admit, this is going to be a hard habit to break and I may not win this battle but I will continue to try as long as I can. Today, out of nowhere I saw this online and thought…..yup!!! This is SO true and very profound. I will read it daily to help me see my reflection differently. Well, here’s to trying!!!

Most of us are aging through the next phase of our lives. We’re at the age where we see wrinkles, grey hair, and extra pounds.

We see cute 25-year-olds and reminisce.

But we were also 25, just as they will one day be our age. We aren’t those “girls in their summer clothes” anymore. What they bring to the table with their youth and zest, we bring our wisdom and experience.

We have raised families, run households, paid the bills, dealt with diseases, sadness and everything else life has assigned us.

Some of us have lost those that we’re nearest and dearest to us.

We are survivors.

We are warriors in the quiet.

We are women, like a fine wine or classic car.

Even if our bodies aren’t what they once were, they carry our souls, our courage, and our strength. We shall enter this chapter in our lives with humility, grace, and pride over everything we have been through, and we should never feel bad about getting older.

It’s a privilege that is denied to so many.

~unknown

Well…..it’s here again. My metversary! WOW…..37 years ago today, Jeff’s mom decided we should meet and came up with quite a plan to make it happen. Obviously, she was successful and so was I because for whatever reason, he picked me!! He picked me to become his girlfriend and four short months later, he picked me to become his fiancé. Life moved quickly for us and maybe that’s why he was picked to move on from this world as early as he did. Jeff truly lived and loved life. He never stayed still whether it be physically or mentally. We certainly packed a lot in during our time together. We jumped into adulting pretty quickly. For those of you who don’t know the full story….no, we did not marry right away. My Dad was adamant that I needed to graduate college first so I graduated from college May, 1989 and we were married on October 14, 1989. We went on a honeymoon, settled into our apartment, bought my dream car (a 280ZX) and by March, 1990 we were on the path to become parents! Life had its ups and downs as it always does but the ups were more plentiful than the downs. So here I sit….looking back on oh so many of those ups. Today was and always will be a day that was literally life changing for me. Life would be so different if the events of 7/23/1987 didn’t occur. But…..they did and here I am. A little sad, a little happy, a little angry but forever grateful.

Oh….he sent me two signs….first song I heard today was Coldplay’s A Sky Full of Stars. Jeff loved Coldplay (gonna admit…me, not so much). I received a “check in” text from one of his former coworkers who easily became one of his good friends. Hadn’t heard from him in a while so the timing was pretty amazing!! Thanks for everything Jeff. Every second, every day (and I have 237,168,000 without you).

‘Cause you’re a sky, ’cause you’re a sky full of stars
I’m gonna give you my heart
‘Cause you’re a sky, ’cause you’re a sky full of stars
‘Cause you light up the path