Always My Jeff

Time and tide wait for no man. – Chaucer.

There are so many great quotes and this is definitely on the list. We are always “going to”. We are going to get together. We are going to relax. We are going to take a trip. And on and on and on it goes. Jeff and I were going to do a lot of things but that list ended on 1/14/2017…..or did it??? Jeff and I had our retirement all figured out. We were going to travel. We thought about seeing the US in a motorhome but then I decided we might be better off with 2 small ones. We could park side by side, sightsee during the day, have dinner together and then retreat to our separate vehicles……Hey! I was just trying to save someone’s life!! I guess, the thought of being together that much in such tight spaces scared the crap out of me!! That is because Jeff and I were pretty much opposites. The easiest way to sum it up is that I’m the 1/2 full part while he was the 1/2 empty part but together we made a full glass!! OK, back to the list…….I thought when he died so did my list. After 2 years of Susan mandated mourning, I pulled my head out of my arse and decided I could really do it. Not necessarily with him but definitely for him. The one thing that I set out to accomplish was an NHL game in every arena. I deleted any that we had previously visited and started the “Official Bucket List” tour. Philly was easy….I had season tickets. Then came The Coliseum (that’s got funny stories attached, just ask Evan), Madison Square Garden, and Capital One Arena. I had tickets to the Devils but freakin’ Covid changed those plans! Over the past three seasons I have added PPG (at least one Flyers game a season) and Nationwide. I know this is slow going but I’m going!!! I did some traveling as well. The biggest one was Switzerland, by myself, for a weekend, to go to a Flyers game!!! OK, so I flew by myself. Luckily for me, I have an amazing friend who lives in Switzerland so once I got there…… I often sit thinking about how things were supposed to be. I had a plan, Jeff had a plan, we had a plan but we all know what they say about best laid plans! I have decided that I am not going to wait for time nor the tide because as the saying goes, neither will wait for me! I try to see people when I can. I try to do things when I am presented an opportunity. I try to limit regrets on the daily. Does that mean it all gets done? No!! Do I do things that I probably would have never done before? Yes!! Are things different than I had expected? Yes! Is that a bad thing? No! I am still breathing for a reason. Do I know the ultimate reason? No, but I do know that I am still on this earth to accomplish something. Maybe it’s the NHL thing, maybe it’s seeing a place I fall in love with and eventually move there, maybe it is just as simple as God can’t figure out where to put me when that time comes. I have no idea why but here I am and I am going to live!!! It’s not the same…..but that’s ok!!!!

I’m not going to lie…..I have been having a bit of a tough time. Easter, for whatever reason, hit me hard this year and the funk was a deep one. I am definitely working out of it and that is always a good feeling. I do believe that sometimes the “funks” can be good even though they can make me feel so badly. The funks bring the memories to the front of my mind which can be difficult and amazing all rolled into one. I know that sounds strange but I think I have come to learn that the reason it hurts so badly is because the good was SO good and now that it is gone it hurts SO much. I have decided to make an effort to focus on the good rather than allow the bad to overshadow that. I can sit around all day long going on and on and on about all the things I am missing now that Jeff is gone but what would that do? It would make Jeff terribly disappointed in me. It would make him watch me not live the life that I have been gifted to have. Everything happens for a reason and while I still do not understand why he is no longer here or why I am, a fact is a fact. I am here and the most disrespectful thing I could do to him and his memory is to not live the life I have been given. Jeff wanted the best for me. He worked hard to give me an amazing life. He loved to see me happy. I need to continue allowing myself to see that in the memories and the moments now.

Here’s where the 2.0 comes in. The term 2.0 is used postpositively to describe a new and improved version or example of something or someone. I definitely have a 2.0 version of me now. I am far more appreciative of opportunities that are presented to me. I have been able to do things that I probably would have never had the guts to do prior. I literally went to Switzerland for a long weekend to see the Flyers play a preseason game. I have gone camping and have loved the peace, the tranquility, and the disconnect from my phone (still have not given up the need for an actual toilet and shower). I have sold a house and bought my very first “just me” house. I have become a landlord. I have bought an airline ticket on a Monday to start a long weekend in Florida on a Thursday! The list goes on and on and on. But the thing is, that list is just beginning. I have a To Do List a mile long and I know that I will probably never finish it but as long as I am trying….. Now I can tell you that with this 2.0 version comes a little bit of guilt. I often wonder if Jeff would have liked/loved this version better than the one I gave him. There are times that I know for sure that would be the case but on the flip side, he loved me and the original version and I find comfort in that. I do believe that he is watching over me, giving me the strength I need during the times that I desperately need it (thanks for the dimes!). Here’s to Susan 2.0 which I only hope becomes Susan “2.0 and then some”!!!

I know it sounds weird but the past 7 years have gone by insanely quickly as well as unbelievably slowly. I sometimes feel like it was a lifetime ago that Jeff was here and then think that it was just yesterday. This “anniversary” was a tough one for me. I think that going into remembering the 9 days of hell still tired from the trip and dealing with my “souvenir” of Covid made this one harder to handle. I was already physically at a disadvantage so that made me emotionally vulnerable. Or, it could just be that I really missed him. Anything is possible when it comes to these things and I just brace myself and hold on until the ride comes to a complete stop! I posted the above picture because this was the first sign I received from Jeff. As I said before, I was so upset with him because Molly was getting signs all over the place and I was receiving absolutely nothing and then finally in February, I found this in a location it had not previously been. It is Jeff’s handwriting. I spent hours googling it to see where it came from and found nothing. Yes, I truly believe that Jeff sent this to me. So much so that I eventually had it tattooed on my arm so that I would never lose it or forget it. When I’m having a rough day, I pull up my sleeve, read his words, and carry on. I continue to find dimes in random places and every time I do, I thank him for letting me know he’s around. Today, Molly and I were texting and she asked me what time Jeff had passed. I told her it was around 3:50 am. Molly then proceeded to tell me that Quinn, who has been sleeping through the night for some time now, had a strange night. She then told me that at 3:51 am, he was “talking” in his crib. He never cried and eventually went back to sleep. I have no doubt that Jeff went to visit Quinn. I know that our grands have the best guardian angel ever and he will always be around for them. If I never receive another sign again, I would be ok with that as long as he continues to visit Lucas, Quinn, and Nora. Well, we have survived another year without him and even though it is the hardest thing we will ever do, we have so much to be thankful for and that is what continues to get us through. His time here was not long enough but what an impact he made. Every Second, Every Day.

It’s been a little while and before I begin, I want to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy 2024! WOW, 2024!! That means in less than a week, I have survived 7 years without Jeff! Yes, I use the word survive because often that is exactly what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am living as well but there are days within this life that I am just happy to survive. Days when it takes every ounce of energy to just breathe. Days when it is difficult to even move let alone “live”. Days that even though they can be a living hell, I am still happy to have because that means I am still here. I still have a purpose. I still have a daily opportunity to make Jeff proud of me.

Now, onto to “the now”……..January 5th started my 9 days of ____. Yes, you can fill in the blank because it’s one of those times when I’m not quite sure what word to use to describe what is going on in my world. January 5th was the last day I had a normal conversation with Jeff. He came home from his first night shift and it was just a day. ME: What time do you want to get up? JEFF: The usual. ME: OK, I’ll have diner ready. Get a good sleep. Then I kissed him goodbye and out the door I went as he crawled into bed. Who would have thought that all our lives would change so dramatically in a few short hours?!?! This time every year I do the “this time __ years ago…..” and I guess that will go on forever. Some years it hits harder than others and this is one of the harder ones. There is no rhyme or reason for why that happens. I brace myself for it every year and when it hits, I beat myself up for not just “getting over it”, but internally, I know that “getting over it” will never happen so I just ride it out. 

And then there is the music. Jeff and I both loved music. We loved going to concerts. We had 100s of CDs (yes, I’m dating myself but at least I didn’t mention albums). We added music into our daily lives and because of that, I think our kids are carrying on that love and I know that makes Jeff happy. When Jeff was in lock in syndrome, I would watch for him to wake up and would take him to a concert. I would find a playlist and put my phone above his head and I would talk to him about where we were…..U2 in Philly, The Cure in Maryland, Aerosmith in Camden, and on and on it would go. But before every concert, I would play our wedding song, Always by Atlantic Starr, and I would sing it in his ear. Then one day, I looked at him and saw a tear running down his cheek. I never sang it again for him. I never wanted something that was such a happy part of our lives to become anything less than that! That song held such happy memories. The day we decided it was OUR song, the day we sang it to each other during our first dance, the times we would dance to it in our house when it would come on in later years. I didn’t want it to be tainted but it was as well as so many other songs. I could only listen to talk radio for almost a year because EVERY SINGLE SONG that came on the radio meant something. Something that was previously a good memory reminded me of what I didn’t have anymore. I would get in the shower every morning and put on every song that I knew would upset me. I wanted to cry it out before I was around everyone, especially my kids. I didn’t want people to see me ‘being weak’. I needed to make everyone think I had my shit together. And now, fast forward…..I do have my shit together (kinda), I do smile and mean it (kinda), I am living again (kinda), I do love music again (kinda), I do love to dance and sing again (kinda). I say “kinda” because I am forever changed and that will never go away. I will always be on a roller coaster of emotions but that’s ok because if I didn’t feel this way it would mean I didn’t feel as deeply as I did about Jeff when he was here. Forever grateful to have had him and for the strength he continues to give me so that I can survive times like this.

I’m still not quite sure how I arrived at this place in time but I am here! I am a Nona and I am absolutely loving it. I have been given the most amazing grandchildren and words cannot even begin to express how lucky I feel to have them. Of course, it makes us miss Jeff since he undoubtedly would have made THE best Grandpa EVER! Lucas would have heard him cheering at all of his baseball games. The tears would have been flowing from his eyes as he held the two new babies. He was so proud of our children that I can only imagine the pride he would have experienced with this new generation. The kids will know him. Lucas already talks about his Grandpa in Heaven. He asks Jeffrey about him and he already knows Jeff is watching over him. My three grandchildren have the best guardian angel they could possibly have.

The past few months have been tough at times but for the most part, they have been absolutely amazing. I drove back “home” on September 28th because Molly was in a wedding and I was fortunate enough to be given “Quinn Duty”. I spent a few days with Molly, Craig, and Quinn before heading to Jeffrey’s to patiently await the arrival of Nora on October 4th. Sadly, the joy of new life also had a great loss. My cousin Jamie lost her longterm boyfriend/soulmate and we gathered to say goodbye to an amazing man who left this world far too soon. Bryan had a smile that could light up any room. He will be missed but I am so thankful that I knew him! I hope he knows that he did something that is difficult to do. He brought a bunch of cousins together in one room and while that used to happen often when I was younger, it does not happen often at all. It reminded me of all the great people I can call FAMILY and even though we don’t see each other nearly often enough, we have a love for each other that never fades.

Coming back to Pittsburgh was tough after having a blast with the babies and reconnecting with people that I have not seen in a while. October 14th would have been my 34th Wedding Anniversary. It’s a tough day because it’s like playing Russian Roulette. One year, it comes and goes very quietly and then another year it paralyzes me. There is no rhyme or reason as to why some years are more difficult than others but I tend to start holding my breath a couple days in advance and try to psych myself up to get through the day. This year wasn’t too awful. The morning was a bit tough so I made it a lazy one. That night, Mark took me out to dinner and made it known to the restaurant that we were celebrating an anniversary. The one thing I gotta hand him is that he is so respectful of Jeff and my ongoing relationship with him even though he is not physically here. It makes it easier to have a meltdown!!

Well anyway, it’s official….the next generation is in full force and as I told my kids, I love them but I REALLY love the grands!!!! Somedays it is tough to be thankful but then I look at those kids and it becomes one of the easiest things for me to do!

I apologize for the gap but life got in the way and for me, that’s a good thing because not that long ago I did not see a life ahead of me. I didn’t think I would ever “live” again but rather “go through the motions” for the rest of my time here on Earth. I can say, that 6 1/2 years later, I am living. I will not lie and say it is a perfect life. I will not lie and say it is the life I would choose given the opportunity. I will not lie and say I have put “it” behind me. January, 2017, stole part of me that I will never get back but that’s ok. I am living!! It’s weird to think how many things remain the same…..I still think my kids are amazing. They have become the adults we hoped they would the day they took their first breaths. I am still thankful to them that they were able to let go of me so that I could find a way to live. They knew I was dying a slow death in our family home and they unselfishly supported me in this journey. I still have some of the best friends I could ever ask for and to whom I will always owe a world of gratitude. I still think hockey is the best sport in the world. I still will hop on a plane, in a train, or in a car any chance I get in order to go on a new adventure. I truly believe these “stills” are the things that have kept me going. And of course, the biggest still…..I still want to make Jeff proud of me.

And now onto the life that has taken me away for a bit. I got to spend Memorial Day Weekend at the shore. There was nowhere I would rather be. I miss the beach so much and even more, I miss the people I get to share the beach with when I go. I have a LOT coming up in the future and it will have me going “home” often over the next few months. I’m excited and stressing it at the same time. It’s an easy drive but it is a long one to take alone but the time I get to spend with my kids and friends make it all worth it. I have an exciting December ahead of me. The first weekend of December, I rented a house in the Poconos and we will have “Early Bobjak Christmas”. It is exciting for two reasons. First, this is something that Jeff always wanted to do. We didn’t do it when they were younger because we weren’t sure we could get the proper information to Santa to deliver the presents somewhere else. Then, as the kids got older, sports schedules got in the way. The second is because I will get to spend four days with my family. They all have their own families now so it is tough to get everyone on the same schedule but this worked for everyone and it is going to be awesome! The end of December, I get on a plane and head to Amsterdam to begin a Rhine River Cruise. I will leave Pittsburgh on 12/22 and begin the adventure on the 23rd. The coolest part…..I will celebrate Christmas in Arnhem, Netherlands. I will have a drink to celebrate Jeff’s 58th Birthday in Strasbourg, France. I will ring in 2024 in Basel, Switzerland. Yes, this is an incredible way to end 2023 and begin 2024 for sure!!!!

And now……the biggest part of life……I have been gifted with an amazing, new grandson. I, of course, believe he is the most perfect baby in the world!!! Quinn Martin arrived on 6/26 (on his due date) and already holds the biggest part of my heart. I look forward every day to receive my “Daily Quinn” text. He is the sweetest little boy and the luckiest. He has so many people in his life that love him with all their hearts. He is going to do big things, I know it! Oh, and he has the best angels looking over him. Next up…….my new granddaughter arrives in October. For all the BS I have gone through the past few years, I really am so lucky!!

I apologize for the delay in posting. Life got in the way but that’s an entirely different post!! Sooooooo, tonight I watched A Man Called Otto and boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks! I knew there was some type of sad component to it since I saw so many people posting about it so I was ready for something but I was not ready for what I got! In my lifetime, I have lost some amazing people but none of these loses affected me the way losing Jeff did. Six years later and I continue to look at things in a different way and it’s not always a bad thing. I now live with the knowledge that NOTHING is guaranteed so I try to grab every opportunity I am presented because I know that I may never get the chance to do it again. It is kinda a cool way to feel about things because I don’t hesitate to go on an adventure the way I would have prior to losing Jeff. Most people live with the belief that their time here is not limited. I know this because I was certainly one of them but not anymore. I know that each day I wake up I have been given a gift and I need to put that gift to the best use I can.

Now, onto Otto. If you did not see it and are planning to, this will probably not be a huge spoiler but just in case, come back to this post after you have watched it. Anyway, Otto and I had a lot in common. We both felt like our lives ended the day our spouses’ left this earth. We did however have something very different in our lives that changed the way we looked at our future. Otto was never blessed with children so he was truly alone when he lost his wife. He literally felt as if he had absolutely no reason to live. I, on the other hand, had three reasons to live (actually it was more just physically being around in the beginning). I had 3 children who just lost their Dad so there was no way I could have them lose their Mom too. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were times that I was just like Otto. I hurt so badly that I just wanted to be with Jeff. I even thought my kids would have been better off had the situation been reversed. I decided that Jeff would have been a better solo parent for the kids than I ever could have been. He made far more money than I did. He could fix just about anything that went wrong. He knew about things that I just had no clue what they were. God, he could walk into Home Depot and buy things that would then become amazing projects. I, on the other hand, didn’t make nearly as much money as he did. I would have to hire people to fix the things he could fix in minutes. I can’t even walk into Home Depot without practically hyperventilating!!! One day, during a meltdown, I mentioned this to Evan and he quickly told me how wrong I was. He told me that he knew that Jeff couldn’t have survived without me so there was a reason why I was the one still here. That discussion only made my drive to “stay alive” even stronger but it came with a lot of pressure. Never had I thought about my mortality and here I was fearing it. I wasn’t afraid to die but I was petrified to leave my kids parentless. I could not die!!! I had that in my head like I had control over it! I know it all sounds crazy but it was legit. It was overwhelming at times but it also kept me going. And now, here I am, 6 years later and I’m still breathing! I am going to get TWO new grandbabies this year so now I have yet another reason to stick around. I need to love these babies (a boy in June and a girl in October) twice as much. I need to let them know all about there Grandpop. I need to hug them twice as much for him. There is no doubt that Jeff will be the best guardian angel EVER. I know this because he is watching over me every day and helping me on my path to LIVE!!!