As I rapidly approach 10 years since “the shit hit the fan”, I look back on all that we have survived and have celebrated since that day. Fortunately, the celebrations have outnumbered the survivals but it still is and will always be a “good day/bad day” situation. Just like we can sometimes experience 3 seasons in the course of one day, the good/bad thing can happen a few times all within the 24 hr definition of a day. There’s that shitty roller coaster thing again!

Anyway……one of the things that hit me today was how the “hard things” can be easier than expected and “easy things” can become awful. For instance, the viewing and funeral. That should be awful and don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a walk in the park, but it was not gut wrenching awful. Instead, I found comfort in being surrounded by people that truly loved him, and/or me, and/or the kids, and/or all of us. We had a tribe and they were front and center. We were in ‘gotta get through this’ mode and it was like having the adrenaline to run a marathon. People, people, and more people talking to us, hugging us, expressing sorrow and telling stories but that’s what got us through.

And then the silence sets in. It’s time to ‘move on’ now and some things that were small things turned into huge things. Going to the grocery store was absolutely awful. I would see something on the shelf that I would have grabbed for Jeff and just knowing that wasn’t going to happen would send tears streaming down my cheeks. The first time I went to the doctor’s and I had to check ‘Widowed’ as my relationship status. I was still hating that word then but at that point so if I could have screamed without being taken to the psych ward, I would have! Oh wait, there was more on the damn form….emergency contact! For almost 30 years it was easy because it was Jeff. Now who should it be?? My Dad, one of my kids, all of my kids, a friend??? I should not have had to put in all this thought for something that’s just a line of a piece of paper but I did all while feeling as if another piece of my heart was being ripped right out of my chest. Then, I finally accept the word widow and I would go somewhere which required me to fill out a form and did not have MY widow box. I am NOT single!! So I did what any rational person would do….I made a widow check box and checked it!!! The IRS was kind enough to give me a couple years before I was forced to be Single with the Qualifying Widow designation. Then there are the holidays. The first one I hit after he passed was Valentine’s Day (Technically it was MLK Day but……). Oh great, the love holiday! I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have a valentine but here I was. I think the holiday itself wasn’t awful because often Jeff would be working his 12 hour shift so the actual day didn’t count. What did almost drive me over the edge was the Kay Jeweler’s commercial for the ring with three stones (past, present, and future). There were two reasons for why this one in particular was difficult. For the 2 or 3 Valentine’s Day prior, Jeff wanted to buy me that ring and I kept telling him I didn’t need it (obviously he caught me at strange times because when would I ever turn down jewelry??). The commercial played ALL the time and all I wanted was that damn ring! I kicked myself over and over for not letting him get it for me because now it would be something else to hang on to but nooooooooo! Then I think, would I have worn it because I only had one of the stones…..the past. Our present and future ended and would never come back. And then there was important kid stuff like milestone birthdays and such. I tried to make them the best I could knowing that my best would never be what they really should have been. Oh, and the first trip to DMV to renew my registration and have the car inspected! Somewhere, there is a DE DMV agent that probably still talks about the woman who had a complete meltdown during in the inspection bay! But now, the story of the photo. Molly, our collegiate athlete! Along the way to reach the day of this photo, there were things that she achieved that would have made Jeff so proud. Dean’s list, graduating early, and being named captain of her field hockey team for both her junior and senior seasons to name a few. The 2019 schedule came out and there it was “Senior Day”….ugh. A day we will celebrate all the girls, a day that all the parents will proudly stand next to their daughter, and a day that my daughter will be the only one there with only one parent. So, I did what any grieving parent would do….I rallied the troops! I put out an ‘all hands on deck’ alert and explained that I wanted to surprise Molly with the most amazing fan section she had ever seen. I had shirts made for anyone who came. One of the coolest things of this part was that when I told her coach what I was doing, she asked if she could get a shirt. I said, “yes!” of course! When I was at the game distributing the shirts, Marci yelled up to me and asked for her shirt and immediately put it on! She wore her Bobjak 14 shirt for the game! A small gesture that meant the world to us. Molly had over 40 people there to cheer for her and it made the day wonderful. I would say perfect but we all know why it would never be perfect. Here’s the funny part of the picture, that by the way, I absolutely love of us! I am holding the flowers that were given to all the mothers but I am also holding something else…..that something else would be a bag of tater tots. When Molly was playing travel field hockey in high school, Marci became her travel coach. We went away to a tournament in State College and I arranged a dinner for everyone. The girls could sit together but they could not accommodate all the parents together – that was fine because we really just needed the girls to have their meal together as a team. Marci sat with Jeff and me along with a couple other parents. As we were about to order, Jeff told Marci he would take care of her bill. Marci ordered and upgraded to tater tots and Jeff being Jeff, had to mess with her for the rest of the dinner…….’sure, Jeff’s buying so I’ll get the tater tots’!! As we were leaving the dinner, Marci whispered in my ear, “you know he is getting a bag of tater tots on senior day”. And there they were, in my hands and not his. I bag of tater tots made two grown women cry on the football field of Andre Reed Stadium and only a couple people knew why! There are so many little/stupid things that would send me into a tailspin (and still do) but again, the celebrations overshadow these events and I think I have become better at handling them.

I have thought long and hard about why small things can bother me more than big things. The only reasoning I can think of is that I can brace myself bigger for the things I know are coming but sometimes, the smaller things just happen and it’s at those times that it is harder to just accept it and move on. I know that my mind has locked on to this recently because I recently had back surgery (2 days after what would have been our 37th Anniversary) and I am down for the count right now. I have had many days to just watch the television and stare at the walls and it has made me miserable. I think my brain has decided, “since you are crying anyway, I might as well give you even more crappy brain worms to make the waterworks truly worth it. Just as when I would go out right after Jeff passed and now, I look “normal”. I don’t look as if I should have any reason to just cry but boy, do I! I am the poster child for “You never know what someone else is going through” statement but as I have told myself many times……this too shall pass!