Today, 37 years ago, I took the walk down the aisle and as I have labeled it before, “you and me became we”. Thirty seven years ago and the tenth one that I haven’t had the “you” to celebrate it. This will always be my anniversary. This will always be a day that changed me forever. This will always be looked back on as a great day. The one thing it will probably never be for me is happy. The funny thing is that it is not just because Jeff isn’t here to enjoy it. It’s because my Dad isn’t here to talk about it. My Aunt Ret isn’t here to tell everyone it was the last day she danced. My Father-in-Law isn’t here to make us laugh. My Uncle Vic isn’t here to just be Uncle Vic. So many others that celebrated that day have moved on. And it is here that I find a bit of a smile. I have been so blessed to have had so many amazing people in my life who truly made my now memories be ones that I will forever cherish.

I will replay today over and over again. Right now, I can see my Dad in our kitchen pouring champagne for me and “my girls”. It’s sometimes strange to have this day be so sad because my Dad isn’t here but it is so true. I was Daddy’s Girl before that day, on that day, after that day, and still today. Most people who knew him would tell you how quiet he was. I think that because of that, when he did say something, people knew they should be listening. When Jeff and I first started dating, my Dad would come home from work, look at Jeff, and say “You again”. Jeff swore he hated him but soon found out that was far from the case and it was great to see the two of them develop a bond and enjoy doing things together. When Jeff’s Dad passed away, my Dad easily slid into the role of Dad for Jeff. Never Father-in-Law, always Dad. I still can hear him talking me down the aisle so I would keep my shit together. That’s what he did the best. He helped me keep my shit together. Maybe that’s why I struggle doing it today, my rock isn’t here. I am forever thankful that I was able to tell him how I felt about him, how much I loved him, and to hear him tell me those words back (those who know Jeff’s 1/2017 story know why that was so important to me).

And now, back to Jeff. Yeah, he was kinda a big deal that day too! He conceded so much so that I could have the wedding I wanted. The biggest was being married in the Catholic Church. He was the first one in his family to not be married in the Methodist Church in Woodbury. His Mom was not necessarily happy with that but he explained to her that it was far more important for me to be married in my church so St. Charles it was! I look back at our day and just remember photos, photos, and more photos. Going from table to table to thank people for coming. Being pulled here, there, and everywhere. And even through all that, it was a great day. The weather was absolutely perfect. The leaves cooperated perfectly and turned during the week to make our photos amazing. Ultimately though, it was the start of my new life. Life outside of my family’s house. Life as a wife. Life as an adult. Yes, it was a big leap and one that had bumps along the road but still a good one.

So yes, today is my anniversary but I struggle with the happy part. It’s not because I’m not happy. I am. I am a different happy. I am a forever changed happy. I am a freakin’ proud of myself happy. I am a living the best life I can happy. And with all that happy comes some sadness because it is a happy that I was forced to learn because it was not the happy I had planned. That is why today is my anniversary day without the happy.