I have often described this journey as a roller coaster ride. It has and will probably be the easiest way to describe it to someone who has not been through it. Almost everyone experiences ups and downs of varying degrees. It can feel like the kiddie roller coaster at the fair with tiny ups and downs but this grief thing puts you on Kingda Ka (for my non NJ friends, it was a roller coaster at Great Adventure). This was a hydraulic launch coaster so one second you are sitting calmly looking around and the next second you are doing 128 mph going straight up a 456 foot tower to only go straight down that tower on the other side. Welcome to my world! One second I’m on a lazy river enjoying the serenity and the next I’m in the front seat of Kingda Ka! I’m rocketing up to quickly drop. I’m smiling with my hands up to then be holding on for dear life. Ironically, I used to hate roller coasters until about 20 years ago. I was “the bag holder” as my family and/or friends went on the ride that scared the heck out of me. A trip to Disney cured me of my fear. I got tired of waiting around and decided to give The Rock n Roller Coaster a try and much to my surprise, I loved it. Up until then, I was a spinner. My kids hated going on the teacups with me because I would get that cup going to the point where you could not even look up but now, I was a roller coaster girl! I would run through the lines to get on the ride faster. I happily rode Everest 5 times in a row using Magic Hours. But this roller coaster that I am on now……ugh! I did NOT seek out this ride. I did NOT choose to get in line for this ride. I do NOT recommend this ride to anyone (not like we have a choice). I do NOT want to be stuck on this ride but here I am. Every time my car comes into the station, I cannot lift up the lap bar and exit. Sometimes, my car goes right back into the ride and then others, I am just stuck until the next ride comes. Stuck for a few hours, stuck for a few days, suck for a few months. I have no way of knowing. I do know, I will ride this damn coaster until I move on to my next existence (whatever/wherever that may be). Here’s the thing about this ride……you never quite know what is going to cause that plunge. Most would think it would be things like birthdays and anniversaries but that isn’t always the case. I know those days are coming and can usually brace myself for those. It’s the things that sneak up on you. Seeing something in the grocery store that I would only purchase for Jeff. Going somewhere he loved or going somewhere he hadn’t gotten to see but knowing he would have loved it there. Doing something we planned to do together but now it’s just me doing it. Those are the things that are hard to brace for because there isn’t much of a warning and they just slam me. Currently my new slam has to do with my Dad. August 18th would have been his 85th Birthday. The 7th one that I have not been able to wish him a good day. The same milestone that I just happily celebrated for Mark’s Uncle in Maine. The day that I have received multiple emails reminding me to “Make Joe’s Day”. Just another “one last time” event to add to the list. One last hug, one last birthday, one last trip, one last phone conversation, and on & on I can go because I would do anything for any or all of those and more. For a while, I could almost convince myself that it’s just a bad dream. I used to have Jeff working. It was easy enough since he worked 12 hour shifts and if there was a shutdown, it would be every day or night for at least a month. For my Dad, I just had him busy at home. I did not get that break with Andi’s loss because she would have been with me so there was nowhere to put her but being gone. Now, almost 10 years since I have lost Jeff and 6 years since I lost my Dad, it is impossible to convince myself of anything other than the fact that they are gone and are not coming back. That my heart carries a hole that will never be filled no matter how hard I try. That these losses have loaded me onto this damn roller coaster ride that I am never getting off until I too get to wherever they are now. Since I have a lot of things I want to do here, I will just continue that shitty ride in order to enjoy the other rides in the park. HANDS UP!!!!!