Every once in a while, I receive exactly what I needed when I least expect it. I’m in a bit of “transition” right now which for anal retentive me can put me in a bit of “freak out” mode but in a way can be pretty darn exciting too! Well…..here I am watching Crazy Rich Asians (yeah, I’m a little behind) and all of a sudden Yellow starts to play. Yellow was something between Jeff and I. I had a yellow dress that he decided was one of his favorites in my closet. I wore it when I could and started signing things “Yellow”. When I went through his wallet after he left this earth, there was a little card in there that I signed “Yellow”. I even remember his friend asking me what it meant and I explained it to him. So, as I am in transition, I usually talk to Jeff and ask him what he thinks. I know he can’t necessarily answer me but he always lets me know he is around when I need him to be and I will take that!! Thanks for pushing me to be the best I can be (or at least trying to be the best I can be).
Yesterday, I was talking to another member of the club….the worst club ever, the club no one really applies to join, the club that will define us for the rest of the time we are here…..The Widow/Widower Club. It was his wedding anniversary and he is in the second year of his journey. I didn’t believe it when I heard it but yes, the second year is worse than the first! I can explain why but I will leave that for another blog. Anyway, we talked for a while because I wanted to make sure that he would get through the day as painlessly as possible and to give him some ideas of how to do that. During the conversation he said, “I just need to learn to be as strong as you.” Me???? Strong???? What!?!?! The person who can breakdown at the slightest thing??? Me, the person who can’t get the lid off jars??? Me, the person who still is struggling with the side effects of widow’s fog??? Me, strong???? I didn’t think I was strong in anyway but then I thought about it. I guess there was a reason when I bought myself a sign that has the words of Bob Marley….You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have! Yup, that is true!!! Over the past 7 years, I have done things I didn’t think I would have to do. The ones that stick out in my mind are as follows: I had to figure out a way to take care of my pool because seeing it not perfect was a reminder that Jeff wasn’t around to take care of it (after many failed attempts…I hired a lovely family). I had to get my house together and ready to be sold (talk about an emotional roller coaster between going through years and years of memories and leaving the place Jeff and I built). I had to buy a car (the first one I had ever bought on my own). I had to buy a house and move (It was during the market craziness AND I moved to a place I had only visited briefly before). OK, so maybe I am strong….still can’t always open jars but I guess there is a difference between physical strength and emotional strength. I need to get back to my gym routine to help with the jar thing but I guess when I need to be, I can suck it up and be strong. Maybe this is part of the silver lining theory. I wouldn’t have known any of this if I had not lost Jeff and my Dad. I would have been living my “normal” life and would have had all those things taken care of for me. I would have swirled around in my comfort zone for as long as it would have let me. Would that have been ok with me? Heck yeah!!! But in the wise words of my favorite boss ever, Mike Gorman, change is good. We are creatures of habit. We want things to stay the same because it makes us comfortable. While comfortable is good, it can hurt us as well. I think about all the things I have done in the past 7 years and I know that a lot of them would not have happened if my life didn’t change as dramatically as it did. I have memories to keep forever. I have friends that have shown me the true meaning of friendship again and again. Ironically, I recently started following a FB (yes, I still hate FB and every day find ways to justify staying on my page) called Worthy. It has words of inspiration every day. Some apply and some don’t but it is still worth reading. I opened it this morning and there is a post about being strong!! That is why I am writing today. I believe in signs and that was one for me. Made me think about my strength and maybe, just maybe, I am stronger than I think! The photo I used is from that posting as are the words below. The photo can apply to different situations as can the words but I do think they apply. I mean, even Winnie the Pooh realizes the strength someone can have and not realize it!!
“Sometimes we need the breaking for a breakthrough.”
In the hardest times, it feels like everything is falling apart.
Tears and heartache are constant, and it’s tough to see any light.
Yet, it’s in these raw moments that we find our true strength.
When all we know shatters, we gather the courage to rebuild.
The pain opens us up to deep growth and change.
Each tear helps us grow stronger.
The breaking feels unbearable, but it’s leading us to a better place.
Let yourself grieve and feel the sadness, trusting that this pain is making way for something beautiful.
Sometimes, we need to break open to let the light in and reveal our strongest selves.
Always My Jeff 