Tag: love

Grief is grief is grief!

December 6th, 2025
Grief is best defined as the emotional and physical response to a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one. It is a natural process that involves a wide range of feelings, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion, and affects an individual’s physical, psychological, social, and spiritual well-being. Grief does not follow a single, orderly path; instead, it can manifest as waves of emotion, and each person experiences it differently and at their own pace. This was taken from the internet but it is perfect and allows me to not have to think as much as I write this!

Ironically, this is National Grief Awareness Week. I am not sure I agree with “Grief Week”. Grief isn’t an event like attending a sales convention or going to summer camp. Grief is something that is every single day for the rest of our days. It comes in waves but it truly never leaves. It can be all consuming, it affects the decisions we make, the way we feel, the way we look at things, and the way we live from the time of our loss along with just about everything else. I guess the biggest problem I have with having a week is that I believe we should feel supported and loved every day. We should feel able to reach out to someone when we are at our lowest of lows and even our highest of highs. Grief can affect our good days just as much as it can cause our bad days. On good days, it can leave us with feelings of guilt and loneliness. Even the happiest of events can bring about sadness. Why am I the one still here? Why isn’t he/she here to see this? Round and round it goes. Anyway………enough about this.

This week was a particularly difficult one. I am still trying to reacclimate to life back in the US. I know, poor me but it is tough when you leave a place that truly makes your heart sing, where you feel at home, where you feel alive and then return to a place that isn’t doing that. I know I will find my place and I look forward to that day but until then……I want to be back in Italy!!

Anyway, Thursday started like any other day. Woke up, got dressed, started the coffee and then it happened. Sweet Andi had a seizure and it was a bad one. If you don’t know Andi, here is the short version or as short of a version I can give for this sweet girl. Jeff bought me Andi when I was sad because Augie went back to school with Jeffrey. Andi was the sweetest Doodle with a big case of separation anxiety (until Augie came home). She was immediately loved and my companion. Here I am, 15 years after she came into this world and I tell myself daily that I am on borrowed time with her and I like to think that Jeff keeps putting in a good word up there for her to stay here with me. Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her all this time, I am not close to being ready to live without her. She has been there for me through lots of BS and it hurts to know that at the time I will need her the most to get me through, she will not be here because her leaving will be my reason to need her. OK, back to Thursday……awful seizure followed by lots of scary side effects but then a few hours later and she seemed back together with a bit of disorientation and tiredness. Then came 1:30 pm and another seizure. It was over more quickly than the first but to see her going through it was just as hard. Holding her and talking to her (even though she is deaf and can’t hear a word I am saying) was what I wanted to do and what I didn’t want to do all wrapped up in one. It was so hard to see this sweet girl going through this. The vet ran some tests and they came back fine so for the rest of her time here, she will be on anti-seizure medicine. If things ever get to the point where she is suffering, I will let her go but until then, she is THE MOST SPOILED DOODLE ever and I will not apologize for that. She deserves it and she will get it!!

Sadly, on 11/10/25, our Doodle crew lost the baby of the bunch. Molly, Craig, and Quinn’s beloved Jake crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was hit with cancer and had no chance of recovery. It all happened so quickly and that makes it even harder for them. Quinn went to bed having 2 fur-brothers and woke up with 1. Why?? Jake was the gentlest soul. He was a happy boy with sad eyes and they were not sad because he was sad, it was just Jake. Jake was loved deeply and he knew that. Jake’s time with his incredible family was cut short far too soon but there is comfort in knowing that Jeff will take care of him now. I find comfort in the fact that when Andi’s time comes, Jeff will be waiting for her and will be able to snuggle her again. Augie will be happy to have her to play with again. It’s going to be ok except for the hole that they leave in our hearts. As I have always said……the worst part about having a dog is not having them anymore!

Jake Smith

Andi Grace Bobjak
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Just keep moving forward…..

August 17th, 2025
I remember taking this photo because it was such a crazy day! The sky was so bright ahead of me and pitch black behind me. I was sitting here trying to go through photos to get rid of duplicates or screen shots of things I either no longer need or worse yet, I cannot for the life of me figure out why I took them in the first place and this photo popped up. It seems to be very in tune with my life now but that definitely was not always the case. There was a time when, even if it were bright and sunny outside, I was in that black portion of the photo. I saw no future. I saw no happiness. I saw no life. I was just existing. It is sad to think back to that time because I’m sure Jeff was not very happy with me then. I’ve said it before, he would never not want me to be happy and to live. I do hope that he realizes that EVERYTHING came crashing down on the day he left. Actually, it was the day of the shit show but his leaving took any hope away. This was my reality. This was my kids’ reality. This was a lot of people’s reality. He was gone and was not coming back. Oh! I guess that’s why I was in the dark. My heart was dark, my world was dark, my brain was dark. I was afraid to be alone and even more afraid of the thought of finding someone. My future was looking pretty grim.
I’m not quite sure when the day happened but that shift came and just like the photo, I drove out of that darkness. I started to realize how lucky I was for what I had. Can’t quite say blessed because I was still pretty upset with God and my Church but that too would become a work in progress. And what was it that I had? Three amazing children, a house that we built, a job that I loved, family and friends who loved me, and a world in front of me to do with whatever I chose. Was it ultimately what I would have chosen…..I think you all know the answer to that question. Did I get to surge ahead and set up a life? Absolutely the case. And here I am 3138 days (or 8 years, 7 months, and 4 days) later and I’m ok. Has it been a rocky ride? Of course it has. But what ride isn’t? The trials in my life, except for losing the people I love, have been speed bumps. And luckily for me, I drive a low profile car so I know that even though I might have to take them on slowly, I will still get over them. As I have told my kids….someone always has it worse and I will NEVER stop believing that. Walking this Earth, as I type, there is someone who would give anything to have it “as easy as I do” even though it has been hard.

“Tough times don’t last, but tough people do,”
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For the life of me……

July 22nd, 2025
I am a Sirius XM girl. I have a range of about 7 channels. Today, I was going to an appointment, thinking about nothing in particular and The Verve came on…..The Freshmen. My first thought goes to one of my former cheerleaders, Jayanne. She was all about The Verve when they came out and I still remember that from forever ago. Then I really started focusing on the words. These words were profound for the first time ever……

For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise, and we’d never compromise
For the life of me, I cannot believe
We’d ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen.

So many things came into my mind. Of course, the obvious…..being young and knowing better than anyone. But then more hit me. Jeff and I were wise. We knew what we wanted. From the beginning, we knew we wanted to get married which is why we were engaged within months of meeting each other. We knew we wanted to have a family which is why we were married in October and pregnant by March. We knew we wanted to have a comfortable life which is exactly what we did. We knew it all…….until we didn’t. We knew what our empty nest was going to look like. We knew what our retirement was going to look like. We knew it all…….until we didn’t.

When we first started dating, Jeff would tell me he was going to die when he was 28. He was serious. He just had this gut feeling that he was not going to live past that age. Well, he did and I am so happy for that but now I think about it and he didn’t even double that. At 51 years old (a week into it), he had to start his journey to leave us. WE DID NOT KNOW THAT! I still have days where it just seems like it really didn’t happen. We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to travel the world together. We were supposed to make even more memories together. Little did we know!! But, again, the shift in the way I look at things needs to kick in…..We didn’t grow old together but we did grow up together, we didn’t travel to all the places we wanted to but we did travel to many great places together, and we didn’t make as many memories as we wanted to make but we did make oh so many memories together. Maybe I’m a little more invested in this today because tomorrow would have marked the 38th Anniversary of our Meeting. We would be going out to dinner at some point this week….we met on the 23rd and started dating on the 26th. We liked to celebrate things whether they were considered major or ‘no big deal’. We would be making plans for things….trips, parties, concerts, and all the other things we would do. It is still all so vivid to me. I remember everything about him and always will. I still try to replicate the sound the water would make when he took a shower and I still have absolutely no idea how to do it but I still try. I still talk to him and every now and then, I yell at him. I still wonder/hope that wherever he is now, he is ok and is watching over me, the kids, and now the grandkids. I just hope he knows that I’m ok so he can get the rest he earned.

And I still look for signs……after the song was over, I was stopped at a red light and the car in front of me had this on the back window…….
NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED. Not in the way the feminist cause came to use this phrase but in my general life I have! Yes, in spite of difficulties, I have persisted……thank you Jeff!!!
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I was a lucky girl!!

June 9th, 2025
On June 1st, I was sad. It marked five years since I lost my Dad. We tend to think we have the best Dads ever and I know that most people are incorrect because there can only be so many best Dads and mine was THE BEST DAD ever!! Even as a kid, I knew how special he was. I knew how much he loved me. I knew how lucky I was to have him as my Dad. He was just an amazing guy. After I lost Jeff, he jumped right back into his role as “My Guy”. I remember our last conversation and how difficult it was and healing at the same time. I knew we had to let him know it was ok to leave but how in the world do I do that when I didn’t want him to ever leave?!?! I thought about it, just trying to find the right words. I decided to ask him for a favor. I asked him to give Jeff a big hug for me and let him know I missed him. There was no doubt in my mind that he would gladly do that for me. Jeff was never his son-in-law, he was his Dad even though Jeff was scared of him in the beginning. You know, the Italian Dad thing but as Jeff got to know him, he saw him as his Italian Dad. Anyway, after that I thanked my Dad for everything. I told him he was and always will be My Guy to which he thanked me. And now, he is the owner of one of the holes in my heart.

And now today, it is five years since he moved into his new home at the cemetery. A memory on my FB came up and I am going to share it here. Those of you who knew my Dad are so very lucky to have known him. Those of you who did not, I am so sorry because not only would you have loved him but he would have loved you right back.

So today, Dad moved into his new home. Mom asked if we could all share one story that was special to us about Dad. Picking one was difficult but I felt I picked one that truly showed his nature. When I was in labor with Jeffrey, all I wanted to do was talk to my Dad. Jeff called him and my Dad did exactly what I thought he would. He told me how great I was doing. How proud he was of me. How great it was going to be when we saw the baby. He was always my guy to do that. He calmed me, he let me know things would be ok, he truly was my rock. As I stood and listened to the other stories, I realized how authentic my Dad was. Today was not a matter of us forgetting the bad and placing him on a pedestal now that he is gone. He was an amazing man who was there for others whenever they needed him. Now, most of you know I am a big believer in signs. As I left the cemetery the following song came on. Thanks Dad for being my protector til now and letting me know that you will still continue to do that. I love and miss you with all my heart but I know how lucky I was to have you. Always My Guy

Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don’t be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don’t know what to do

Nothin’ you confess, could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

So, if you’re mad, get mad

Don’t hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well I’m a lot like you

When you’re standing at the crossroads

And don’t know which path to choose

Let me come along

‘Cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby

You’re feelin’ all alone

You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
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Everything for a reason

June 6th, 2025
This is a phrase that is often hard to understand. This simple phrase can make sense at times and then at other times it is absolutely impossible to wrap our heads around “a reason”. Yes, I have those impossibles……why is Jeff not here??? Why didn’t someone do his/her job that day we trusted the hospital to care for him??? Why do I have three children that do not have their father here with them??? Why do I have three grandchildren who were never given the chance to know him??? Why is my Dad not here to still help me through the loss of Jeff??? Why?? Why?? Why?? I guess there is a reason for every one of those questions and someday I might learn what they are but as of right now, I’m not even close to understanding.

With those heavy duty, I can’t even begin to understand the reason, I do have some that I do know. A lot of you know the story of meeting Jeff so I will try to keep this as brief as possible so you don’t have to hear it again (or you can just skip ahead if you are tired of it). I was 21 and working at Bamberger’s/Macy’s. I had just broken up with someone and I was just tired of being with the “wrong one” so I decided to just have fun. I was going to live the life of a college girl, go to parties, hang with friends, and just basically be carefree (but not lose…..that was never my style). Well…..I walked into work to cover a friend’s shift. I was early and normally would not go up to the floor until I absolutely had to but this night was different. I went upstairs early and there was Alda (my co-worker at the time) talking to a girl my age about her son. I stepped right in and said “Is he gorgeous?” to which she replied, “I think so”. I then asked her how old he was and she said 21. Hmmmmm. She then went and pulled out his photo and she was right…he was gorgeous! She made him borrow her car the next day so he would have to pick her up. She then took her time so he would have to come in and see why she wasn’t coming out (no cell phones back then). She introduced us on 7/23/1987. He came in to say hello on 7/25/1987 and we went out for the first time on 7/26/1987 and the rest is HISTORY. There was a reason I was working that night when I wasn’t scheduled, there was a reason I went on the floor early, there was a reason I jumped right into that conversation……if those events didn’t take place, I would not have met Jeff!
Yesterday, there was yet another day of knowing the reason……I went to the Hallmark store to buy a thank you card. As I stood looking at the cards, I saw two women discussing cards in a different section. I could tell that they probably were talking about a card to send to a widow so I again jumped into a conversation. I asked them if they were trying to decided upon a card for a widow because I was one and could help. I then met a wonderful woman who was struggling to select a card to send a friend. We talked about the card, we talked about how to help her friend, we talked about Jeff……we talked!! I was supposed to be in that aisle with her. I was supposed to once again be pushy me and jump into that conversation. We were supposed to share a moment in time together. I have tried to help people through this journey and yesterday, I hope to think that I did. Yes, there was a reason!

So yes, everything does happen for a reason! Sometimes the reason is easy to understand and other times, not so easy at all. Even when we do not know the reason….there still was one. I will also add that there are many posts that say, “Everything happens for a good reason” and I will say it now and believe this forever……that’s bullshit! A reason, yes. A good one, not always!!!!!
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Anyone get the license plate of that truck……

October 14th, 2024
So this one is going to loop so get ready…….today, I feel as if I have been run over by a tractor trailer!! The photo above is an actual photo of a truck….that hit me….in 2016. This truck came across the back of my Audi and was there long enough to have its tire wear off the paint of my bumper. It then sent me all over the road and for whatever reason, I did not go off the road and lived to tell the tale. Because of that, I can legitimately say, “I feel as if I have been run over by a tractor trailer!”

Today is my 35th Wedding Anniversary and I’m not going to lie, it has been a tough one to handle. I am thinking it is because of the number. 35 is a big one. We would have been celebrating it more than our normal trek to Sullivan’s. It’s my 8th one that I “celebrate” without him. I think of that and it is this type of thing that shows me how much I have changed. Before this happened, I would always be counting down. Counting down the days until school was out. Counting down the days until our next vacation. Counting down the days until the next party or holiday. Once this happened, I seemed to be counting up. Counting up the days since I saw him. Counting up the months since he left. Counting up the years since we celebrated our anniversary together. I know it sounds like something small but in my world, it was a HUGE shift.

Now back to the truck……in 2020, I exhausted all options and wound up having spinal fusion to try to lessen the pain I was experiencing since the car vs truck incident (car lost by the way). While it never completely healed, it did help until a few days ago. Today, my back is in excruciating pain and I don’t know why. The not knowing why is probably bothering me more than that actual pain. I like reason. I like to be able to pinpoint an answer and fix it. I have done nothing that would cause this to have happened (kinda like the accident itself). So…my shitty day may very well end up with a trip to the ER….ugh. Yes, once again, I feel as if I were hit by a tractor trailer…..physically and literally.

Not the anniversary I would have picked but so many things since 1/14/2017 are not what I would have picked. And this too shall pass as so many other speed bumps have and tomorrow will be a new day. I’ve had a lot of “new day tomorrows” and I know I will be okay but until then, I will feel sad today and I will also feel happy. If the happy wasn’t so happy, I wouldn’t feel sad! Every second, every day. Happy 35th Jeff!!!

So…..to shift……good times……

And today….I will survive. My first alone anniversary, I took 5 laps at 168 MPH on the Dover Monster Mile. I won’t do that today, but I will continue to live because he deserves it.
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Does God Really Believe We Can Handle All This???

October 7th, 2024
As the saying goes, God only gives us what we can handle. I often, especially in 2017, felt honored by the level of faith that God had in me but also questioned it. I had absolutely zero faith in my ability to handle any of it. Who am I kidding??? I had little faith in anything at that time except that my world was NEVER going to be what it was supposed to be. Recently, I feel as if I have seen or am seeing too many people have their worlds rocked to the core. God having faith in good people and their ability to handle bad things. The Gaudreau Family facing the loss of two wonderful sons/husbands/brothers/fathers, my cousin facing a major medical issue, and an amazing couple facing the diagnosis of ALS. I sit and think, what the hell are you thinking God?!?!

After I was able to breathe again, I decided that we went through what we did so that our close friends and family wouldn’t have to experience the same pain. I decided we “took one for the team”. I had it figured out and I knew Jeff would have volunteered to spare anyone he loved from the pain of losing someone close to him. It seemed to make sense until our dear friend (more family than friend) Donna was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Ummm, God, did you forget????? We took care of this by losing Jeff. You were NOT supposed to take someone from our “team” tragically. We covered this…..remember????? Well, now, I know that is not the way it works so I had to switch my thinking….AGAIN! My thought now is actually back to how I thought when I was younger but with more adult reasoning. My thought then and now is that when we get here, we all have a purpose. For some people, it is easy to see what the purpose is/was and for others we may never understand the purpose but either way, there is a purpose. As humans, we tend to go through life without seeing all the amazing opportunities given to us. We take for granted almost every second we are gifted in our lives. We are always going to do this or do that. We are always going to get together. We are always going to go somewhere we have dreamed of seeing. We are always going but that means nothing if we don’t DO. Now, as I still get upset that Jeff is not here with me, I do have to say that I know his purpose(s). He was put on this earth to be a great son, an incredible brother, a loving husband, a giving father, a devoted friend, a diligent co-worker, and on and on that list goes but there was a purpose that goes beyond his life. He has made me grab opportunities when I can. Before I lost Jeff, I would never have gone to Switzerland for a long weekend to go to a Flyers game. I would have never had the strength to sell a house and buy a house on my own. I would never have thought about spending Christmas in Europe. The list goes on but I won’t bore you with it because I think you get the idea. I have been afforded so many great opportunities and when I can…..I do! Regrets can really do damage and while we will never be able to avoid all regrets, if we can minimize, we will be better off. Jeff loved life. The worst thing that I could do to his memory is to not live. Thank you Jeff for giving me this gift and I promise to take care of it. Love and miss you – Every Second, Every Day!
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You Never Know How Strong…..

June 30th, 2024
Yesterday, I was talking to another member of the club….the worst club ever, the club no one really applies to join, the club that will define us for the rest of the time we are here…..The Widow/Widower Club. It was his wedding anniversary and he is in the second year of his journey. I didn’t believe it when I heard it but yes, the second year is worse than the first! I can explain why but I will leave that for another blog. Anyway, we talked for a while because I wanted to make sure that he would get through the day as painlessly as possible and to give him some ideas of how to do that. During the conversation he said, “I just need to learn to be as strong as you.” Me???? Strong???? What!?!?! The person who can breakdown at the slightest thing??? Me, the person who can’t get the lid off jars??? Me, the person who still is struggling with the side effects of widow’s fog??? Me, strong???? I didn’t think I was strong in anyway but then I thought about it. I guess there was a reason when I bought myself a sign that has the words of Bob Marley….You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have! Yup, that is true!!! Over the past 7 years, I have done things I didn’t think I would have to do. The ones that stick out in my mind are as follows: I had to figure out a way to take care of my pool because seeing it not perfect was a reminder that Jeff wasn’t around to take care of it (after many failed attempts…I hired a lovely family). I had to get my house together and ready to be sold (talk about an emotional roller coaster between going through years and years of memories and leaving the place Jeff and I built). I had to buy a car (the first one I had ever bought on my own). I had to buy a house and move (It was during the market craziness AND I moved to a place I had only visited briefly before). OK, so maybe I am strong….still can’t always open jars but I guess there is a difference between physical strength and emotional strength. I need to get back to my gym routine to help with the jar thing but I guess when I need to be, I can suck it up and be strong. Maybe this is part of the silver lining theory. I wouldn’t have known any of this if I had not lost Jeff and my Dad. I would have been living my “normal” life and would have had all those things taken care of for me. I would have swirled around in my comfort zone for as long as it would have let me. Would that have been ok with me? Heck yeah!!! But in the wise words of my favorite boss ever, Mike Gorman, change is good. We are creatures of habit. We want things to stay the same because it makes us comfortable. While comfortable is good, it can hurt us as well. I think about all the things I have done in the past 7 years and I know that a lot of them would not have happened if my life didn’t change as dramatically as it did. I have memories to keep forever. I have friends that have shown me the true meaning of friendship again and again. Ironically, I recently started following a FB (yes, I still hate FB and every day find ways to justify staying on my page) called Worthy. It has words of inspiration every day. Some apply and some don’t but it is still worth reading. I opened it this morning and there is a post about being strong!! That is why I am writing today. I believe in signs and that was one for me. Made me think about my strength and maybe, just maybe, I am stronger than I think! The photo I used is from that posting as are the words below. The photo can apply to different situations as can the words but I do think they apply. I mean, even Winnie the Pooh realizes the strength someone can have and not realize it!!

“Sometimes we need the breaking for a breakthrough.”

In the hardest times, it feels like everything is falling apart.

Tears and heartache are constant, and it’s tough to see any light.

Yet, it’s in these raw moments that we find our true strength.

When all we know shatters, we gather the courage to rebuild.

The pain opens us up to deep growth and change.

Each tear helps us grow stronger.

The breaking feels unbearable, but it’s leading us to a better place.

Let yourself grieve and feel the sadness, trusting that this pain is making way for something beautiful.

Sometimes, we need to break open to let the light in and reveal our strongest selves.
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When you least expect it!!

June 24th, 2024
Do I believe there are things in this life that are beyond our control….absolutely! They can be good or bad. Jeff is proof of that! The good: We should have never met but a series of events caused us to be introduced and the rest was history. The bad: He’s no longer here. I/We fought the hospital hard but still lost the war. Do I believe in signs…..absolutely! Have they played a different part in my world the past 7 years….yes, they have. So after we lost Jeff, Molly was the first to receive a sign. She went bowling with Craig and his sister. The Bobjaks are NOT bowlers so the selecting of the ball basically involves around two things – can I pick it up and do my fingers fit in the holes? Molly went to select her ball and she noticed it had a name on it…….JEFF! Yes, a personalized ball that was sitting on the rack. And of all the names to be on that ball that she selected……JEFF!! After that, Molly was receiving signs all over the place and I’m not going to lie, I was not only jealous but I was also pretty pissed!! Really Jeff??? Thirty years and you didn’t need to throw me a sign or two to comfort me? You see me struggling and you can’t help me out?? Then in February, I found the paper that had his writing on it. “Faith is believing that whatever it takes to get through, you have.” I had finally received my first sign and I cried like a baby. OK, crying is an understatement. I sobbed, I yelled, I sobbed some more, I paced, I literally lost my shit. A few days later, I laminated the paper and carried it around with me wherever I went. And then I panicked to think I could lose it so I did what any normal person would do, I had it tattooed on my arm a year or so later. HA! Now I can’t lose it!!! Anyway, as time went on, I would find a penny or a dime or a euro (long story for another blog) somewhere random and I would cry and put them away in a special wallet I had been given (thank you Michelangelo Lapo) by our favorite person in Firenze. I still was not receiving the signs the way I had hoped. I wanted to know he was ok and that he was still around watching over me. I then went to Halloween party and there was a medium there. I believe that some (few) people have that ability but I went into the session believing that this person might not be one of those people. I did not give up any information. That was until she told me this……..You want to receive signs and feel as if you aren’t receiving them the way you would like. He is telling me that he is not sending them because they upset you but when he sees that you are better not only will you receive signs, you will receive so many that you will almost feel like you are being haunted. WOW!! And she was spot on. Once I pulled myself together a bit (not fully and it may never be fully) and shifted my vision from what I was missing to what I had, the signs started coming. The number 14 was our number…..married on the 14th, one of his favorite Flyers was Ron Sutter (#14), he had to leave us on the 14th (there are more 14s on the list but the beginning and end for us are the two biggies). Anyway, I would find change in random places and yes, a dime and four pennies would be what I found. Not just once but multiple times. He did change it up once and reversed the number to four dimes and a penny. I went out to fight the pool pump once and there was a butterfly on the pipe. It was orange and black (Go Flyers) but then when it opened its wings……..amazing blue was displayed (Jeff’s color was blue). Rather than cry, I would thank him. I now find comfort in the signs when they appear. They tend to appear when I need them the most. They don’t make me cry anymore but they make me thankful that I know he is ok and is still watching after us. Signs, signs, everywhere a sign. I don’t look for them, they just appear, usually when I least expect it but definitely need it.
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In the Blink of an Eye

June 20th, 2024
It is amazing to look back and realize how quickly things can change….forever. I think back to the last June I had with Jeff and everything about it was so different than the Junes I have had since. That June we were making plans for our Big Disney Trip! I say big because this one was going to be different than the others. We were traveling with 6 other adults and no “kids”. Yes, we were taking our kids with the addition of their significant others at the time but by definition, we had 8 adults on this trip. We were so excited because we were doing what we loved to do as a family…..we were going to The House of Mouse. We made the reservations, we got our FastPasses for our must do rides, we made dining reservations for the places that the kids always loved (Crystal Palace, Chef Mickey, Via Napoli…..). I remember telling the kids that the only time they needed to be with us was when we had a ride or meal booked. I understood in advance that they would probably want to go out and do their own thing without Mom and Dad around to cramp their style. Well, I was so wrong!!! We were a pack of 8 almost the whole time except when I mandated “date night”. It was a dream vacation all the way and Jeff continued to talk about it until the end. That Christmas, Jeff’s most cherished gift was a photo album that I put together for him of the whole trip. I didn’t think I ever wanted to go to Disney again but I got “back on the horse” and chaperoned the Senior Class Trip to Florida in 2018. Was I scared to be there – absolutely! Was I sad every night when the other female chaperones were calling their husbands and I couldn’t – absolutely! Did I see Jeff in every inch of every park – absolutely! Was I proud of myself for getting my shit together and doing it – absolutely!! The Boys and I went back the following summer with my brother and his family. It was hard for all of us but it was a break from our grief as well. We were sad being in one of Jeff’s most loved places without him but it was also great to be somewhere that you almost can’t be happy! My nephew came with us since I am all about leaving on the first plane to maximize the time you have in the parks. It was so much fun to introduce Austin to the Bobjak’s Disney rather than the Sperduto’s Disney. I will never forget how he greeted my brother when he arrived. “We don’t do anything when we come here!!” Anyway……..my Junes (along with my Julys, Augusts, Septembers, you get the idea) now are different. I don’t plan summer vacations with Jeff anymore. I don’t count the days until the end of the school year anymore. I don’t plan meals around a shift worker’s schedule anymore. Yes, there are many more “don’ts” but now I have some “dos”…. I do get to go on trips anytime I want instead of within the confines of the school calendar, Jeff’s schedule, etc. I do get to FaceTime with my grandbabies. I do get to celebrate Quinn’s first birthday. Do the “dos” help with the “don’ts”….sometimes. Do the “dos” make the “don’ts” hurt even more….sometimes. The best way for me to handle that is to be thankful for every “do” I had because they were great while they were here. Appreciate every second because in the blink of an eye……..
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