I’m not going to lie….I have been wanting to write but I have been putting it off in hopes that the urge would go away…..as you can see, it did not. So, here they are……..The Holidays. A time that for many of us went from the best time of the year to the absolute worst time of the year. One day we can’t wait for all the festivities and the next we wish we could just stay in bed until it is all over. There is a timeframe for us that just plain sucks….Thanksgiving to New Years. Thanksgiving, a time when the person we were most thankful for is no longer here. Christmas, a time when we are inundated with commercials of what we should give our loved one (who is no longer here) or what we should be receiving from our loved one (yeah, the one who is no longer here). And then there is New Years. New beginnings, resolutions, things to look forward to but again, the person we want that first kiss from is no longer here! What the hell?!?!?!? Damn you! Jeff LOVED the holidays and everything about them. He loved the celebration of them. He loved the family moments of them. He loved the smiles of them. Like I said, he loved everything about them. And now, here we are, without him. Time goes on and new reasons to celebrate come to into play. New reasons to celebrate or enjoy. For us, we have a lot to celebrate. New members of our family have come into our lives since Jeff left. Members that Jeff would have absolutely adored! Three grandchildren that he would have spoiled. As with his own, he would have driven everyone crazy telling people all about them. Everyone would hear about Lucas’ love and knowledge of baseball. Everyone would hear about Quinn and his strength and intelligence. Everyone would hear about Nora and her smile that lights up a room. Who am I kidding? He knows all about it and is telling people all about them where he is!! But….just like everything else, the holidays will never be the same because he is not here. And just like everything else, we are made to find ways to go on because while our worlds stopped, the world around us did not. It’s that “how do I fit into the world around me” thing. Well, I have. I have learned to be thankful for what I had. Yes, we were supposed to have far more time together but the brutal response to that is….we didn’t and no matter how hard I try, I can’t change that. I can however, treasure the time we had. Remember the memories dearly and smile when I think of them. Jeff had started me a Pandora bracelet and ironically he finished it our last Christmas together. I haven’t worn it that often but I am thinking that I am going to take it to Pandora and have it cleaned and wear it this Christmas! I might cry when I look at it on my wrist or I might smile or I might do both but I will be ok because that means the memories still live and always will.

To my friends who are newer to this club……you got this! Don’t beat yourself up if you are not feeling the way you used to about the holidays. You do you. You are allowed to celebrate or not celebrate however you want. Go through the motions or stay in bed…..whatever you need to do is what you should do. Don’t feel badly if you cry and don’t feel badly if you laugh. Tomorrow gives us an opportunity to wake up and make changes if necessary. I love you all and even though the words might not be the right ones just yet, I do wish you all a MERRY Christmas and a HAPPY New Year!!