I have talked about signs. I desperately had hoped I would receive signs. I thought signs would help me, make me stronger, show me he was ok. As I am years into this journey, I can tell you that they do those things NOW, for the most part, but THEN……. Throughout this journey, I have had ideas of how things were supposed to be only to find out that I was so wrong. I still tell people how I thought the worst part of this journey was going to be the first year. I really thought I would wake up on 1/14/2018 and be fine! I know, stupid me but that’s what I thought so I put every ounce of what I had into just surviving that year. I did some amazing things, mostly due to Cheryl being so agreeable to all my sometimes great/sometimes crazy ideas, but the one thing I didn’t do was allow myself to grieve. I mean really grieve. Face my new normal. Learn to breathe. Learn to be alone. Accept the fact that I would never have the future life I/we had discussed over and over and over. Holy crap!! That’s a lot for the ole Widow’s To Do List!! Well anyway, I used year two to chip away on that to do list. I did some crazy things to do that (shop, shop, shop – which can be confirmed with my recent multiple trips to Molly’s to give her things I needed to let go of like 30 pairs of jeans/pants) but I was still breathing and started to realize that my life was forever changed but not over. Have I had setbacks? Of course! Have I had moments of sobbing or screaming at the top of my lungs? Of course! Have I learned to get my shit together and move on? Of course! Throughout life, we all need to find something that will motivate us to keep going, that will cause us to be find a way to make the bad just a speed bump and to not dwell on it so it becomes a wall but to use it to our benefit, or to follow the advice of the forgetful but obviously wise Dory and to Just Keep Swimming. My motivation has been my belief in two things: someone always has it worse and the worst disservice I could do to Jeff and his memory was to not live.

So……to the photo……as I was craving signs early on, I had a dream one night. It was the first one I had that Jeff appeared in since he had left. It was not a crazy dream like I often had (after I would tell Jeff the dream, his response would always be “What the hell did you eat last night???”). It was just a Day In Our Life dream. Business as usual kinda day. It was so normal and so real that I actually woke up and waited for him to walk through the bedroom door. At this point, I need to tell you that I am crying right now as I type this because I can remember the feelings I had as if it was happening right now. Anyway……..had I been in a better frame of mind, a better point of recovery, oh damn, a better anything, I would have had a smile on my face but instead, I crashed. I couldn’t even get out of bed that day. Hindsight, maybe it was Jeff’s doing. Maybe he needed to remind of the all the good we had but also give me a shove to accept my reality and start navigating through it. Who knows but at the time, it was AWFUL. Now, I know I cannot force signs. I can only do my best and be happy when I’m right and learn from it when I’m not. Everyone falls every now and then. You can’t have highs if you do not have lows. I used to be so afraid of roller coasters and now I love them. Maybe that was to prepare me for my life now. Either way, I will always do this crazy life with my Hands Up!!!