When I was little (ok, for those of you chuckling that being only 5 foot tall still makes me little), I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I would play school with my friends ONLY if I was the teacher. I had desks, a blackboard, textbooks, red pens…..you get the idea! As such, I also had a teacher mentality. Everything made sense. Everything could be taught or confirmed through reading. Everything had an answer. While I have been retired since 12/31/2020, old habits die hard and I still often think the world should run that way….silly me! Anyway……I was not only a teacher, I was a female teacher so directions were always my way to go. When I had to assemble something, I would follow (or attempt to follow) every word that was written in the manual. That’s why they were there. To make the task at hand easier. No brainer!!! So, when I lost Jeff, I wanted an owner’s manual for my new found condition. Researching for something like that only made me more anxious and scratching my head. The “instructions” were all over the board. They were not as clear cut as 2+2=4. What the heck???!!! My logical mind could not understand any of this! I was doing things I had never done in my life and I was not doing things I had done almost daily. The weird thing is, had I found a manual, I would only have been able to maybe read one line and then have to put it down. Widow’s Fog killed my ability to read and comprehend things. Seven years later and I still struggle with it. Anyway, I learned something pretty quickly……grief is not a nice, clear cut journey. It does not make sense all the time. There is not an expiration date on it. It is a personal journey and what works for one does not work for all. Just to give an example……..when Jeff was in the hospital, I knew that his lack of movement and constant IV would eventually cause his hands to swell. Every morning, I would say good morning to him and then turn his wedding ring on his finger because the last thing I wanted was for that to be cut off his hand. I did it one morning and I could tell it was tighter than it had been so I told the nurse that I though “today is the day”. She came in and worked a bit but got his ring off for me. Jeff became a bit agitated and I quickly explained to him that I had it and it was on the chain that he always wore (the one that was mine when we started dating but he claimed it and really never took it off until the day he went into the hospital.) and that I had put my ring on it as well. In my world, they belonged together. If he couldn’t wear his, I couldn’t wear mine. This all made perfect sense to me and I stood by my decision. Fast forward a little and I was on a widow’s support site and someone posted the question….when do/did you remove your ring? I told my story and to my surprise……..I was attacked. I was called names. I was told things like “My husband put that on my hand and I will NEVER take it off.” and on and on and on. It was that day that I left all of those groups and realized this in MY journey. What works for one might not work for another and it is no one’s place to tell anyone grieving that they are not doing it correctly. A friend of mine just posted this and I think it is fabulous because grief is also a difficult thing for people to understand when they have not walked THAT mile. The writing below is not mine but it is perfect and the author is cited because she deserves all the credit. It is because of these thoughts that someday I will publish the book that I am working on to try to help this process become an easier journey for at least one person.

IF YOU THINK GRIEF HAS A TIME LIMIT,

you have likely never lost a piece of your heart.

If you think that the days, months and years will somehow erase the extent of the loss, then you have never been unlucky enough to lose a love.

You are blessed, my friend.

For life without that piece of you, is a new life indeed.

It is a new world when the person you miss is no longer here.

Everything looks different and will never look the same again.

Every day is a mountain to climb, battling the waves of emotion, when a song plays, a smell reminds or a memory rears.

And that never lessens, we only become accustomed to handling it.

To hiding it.

You may think time is healing the hurt, then you enter a new phase of your life; a relationship, a child, a grandchild, a new opportunity, and you realise you cannot share that with your missing part.

The waves bear down fresh, as they were on the very the first day.

If you think grief has a time limit, my friend, you have never lost a piece of your heart.

And for that, you should be truly grateful.

Let the grieving grieve for as long as they must, and if you want to help, just love them more.

Love is the only way.

Donna Ashworth