It’s been a little while and before I begin, I want to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy 2024! WOW, 2024!! That means in less than a week, I have survived 7 years without Jeff! Yes, I use the word survive because often that is exactly what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am living as well but there are days within this life that I am just happy to survive. Days when it takes every ounce of energy to just breathe. Days when it is difficult to even move let alone “live”. Days that even though they can be a living hell, I am still happy to have because that means I am still here. I still have a purpose. I still have a daily opportunity to make Jeff proud of me.

Now, onto to “the now”……..January 5th started my 9 days of ____. Yes, you can fill in the blank because it’s one of those times when I’m not quite sure what word to use to describe what is going on in my world. January 5th was the last day I had a normal conversation with Jeff. He came home from his first night shift and it was just a day. ME: What time do you want to get up? JEFF: The usual. ME: OK, I’ll have diner ready. Get a good sleep. Then I kissed him goodbye and out the door I went as he crawled into bed. Who would have thought that all our lives would change so dramatically in a few short hours?!?! This time every year I do the “this time __ years ago…..” and I guess that will go on forever. Some years it hits harder than others and this is one of the harder ones. There is no rhyme or reason for why that happens. I brace myself for it every year and when it hits, I beat myself up for not just “getting over it”, but internally, I know that “getting over it” will never happen so I just ride it out. 

And then there is the music. Jeff and I both loved music. We loved going to concerts. We had 100s of CDs (yes, I’m dating myself but at least I didn’t mention albums). We added music into our daily lives and because of that, I think our kids are carrying on that love and I know that makes Jeff happy. When Jeff was in lock in syndrome, I would watch for him to wake up and would take him to a concert. I would find a playlist and put my phone above his head and I would talk to him about where we were…..U2 in Philly, The Cure in Maryland, Aerosmith in Camden, and on and on it would go. But before every concert, I would play our wedding song, Always by Atlantic Starr, and I would sing it in his ear. Then one day, I looked at him and saw a tear running down his cheek. I never sang it again for him. I never wanted something that was such a happy part of our lives to become anything less than that! That song held such happy memories. The day we decided it was OUR song, the day we sang it to each other during our first dance, the times we would dance to it in our house when it would come on in later years. I didn’t want it to be tainted but it was as well as so many other songs. I could only listen to talk radio for almost a year because EVERY SINGLE SONG that came on the radio meant something. Something that was previously a good memory reminded me of what I didn’t have anymore. I would get in the shower every morning and put on every song that I knew would upset me. I wanted to cry it out before I was around everyone, especially my kids. I didn’t want people to see me ‘being weak’. I needed to make everyone think I had my shit together. And now, fast forward…..I do have my shit together (kinda), I do smile and mean it (kinda), I am living again (kinda), I do love music again (kinda), I do love to dance and sing again (kinda). I say “kinda” because I am forever changed and that will never go away. I will always be on a roller coaster of emotions but that’s ok because if I didn’t feel this way it would mean I didn’t feel as deeply as I did about Jeff when he was here. Forever grateful to have had him and for the strength he continues to give me so that I can survive times like this.