I apologize for the delay in posting. Life got in the way but that’s an entirely different post!! Sooooooo, tonight I watched A Man Called Otto and boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks! I knew there was some type of sad component to it since I saw so many people posting about it so I was ready for something but I was not ready for what I got! In my lifetime, I have lost some amazing people but none of these loses affected me the way losing Jeff did. Six years later and I continue to look at things in a different way and it’s not always a bad thing. I now live with the knowledge that NOTHING is guaranteed so I try to grab every opportunity I am presented because I know that I may never get the chance to do it again. It is kinda a cool way to feel about things because I don’t hesitate to go on an adventure the way I would have prior to losing Jeff. Most people live with the belief that their time here is not limited. I know this because I was certainly one of them but not anymore. I know that each day I wake up I have been given a gift and I need to put that gift to the best use I can.

Now, onto Otto. If you did not see it and are planning to, this will probably not be a huge spoiler but just in case, come back to this post after you have watched it. Anyway, Otto and I had a lot in common. We both felt like our lives ended the day our spouses’ left this earth. We did however have something very different in our lives that changed the way we looked at our future. Otto was never blessed with children so he was truly alone when he lost his wife. He literally felt as if he had absolutely no reason to live. I, on the other hand, had three reasons to live (actually it was more just physically being around in the beginning). I had 3 children who just lost their Dad so there was no way I could have them lose their Mom too. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were times that I was just like Otto. I hurt so badly that I just wanted to be with Jeff. I even thought my kids would have been better off had the situation been reversed. I decided that Jeff would have been a better solo parent for the kids than I ever could have been. He made far more money than I did. He could fix just about anything that went wrong. He knew about things that I just had no clue what they were. God, he could walk into Home Depot and buy things that would then become amazing projects. I, on the other hand, didn’t make nearly as much money as he did. I would have to hire people to fix the things he could fix in minutes. I can’t even walk into Home Depot without practically hyperventilating!!! One day, during a meltdown, I mentioned this to Evan and he quickly told me how wrong I was. He told me that he knew that Jeff couldn’t have survived without me so there was a reason why I was the one still here. That discussion only made my drive to “stay alive” even stronger but it came with a lot of pressure. Never had I thought about my mortality and here I was fearing it. I wasn’t afraid to die but I was petrified to leave my kids parentless. I could not die!!! I had that in my head like I had control over it! I know it all sounds crazy but it was legit. It was overwhelming at times but it also kept me going. And now, here I am, 6 years later and I’m still breathing! I am going to get TWO new grandbabies this year so now I have yet another reason to stick around. I need to love these babies (a boy in June and a girl in October) twice as much. I need to let them know all about there Grandpop. I need to hug them twice as much for him. There is no doubt that Jeff will be the best guardian angel EVER. I know this because he is watching over me every day and helping me on my path to LIVE!!!