The answer to that was, I wasn’t. Well, I was thinking but it was about things that were never on my radar prior to January, 2017. The thoughts were all over the place. Looking back, I realize that quite often, my thoughts were totally off the mark but at the time, they were all I had. I guess the list of things is quite lengthy. The first overload came when I heard the question “Nursing home or let him go”. I still haven’t gotten over the day we had to let Sugar (The dog that Jeff had when we met. She quickly became OUR dog. No, she wasn’t our dog, she was our child) go. I thought up until then, deciding Sugar’s fate was the worst thing I had done or would ever have to do. That was until the day I sat at a table outside of the ICU unit with my children. Along with the kids, we had three important people on speakerphone. It was my brother, Joe along with Jeff’s best friends, Chris and Steve. We had THE discussion. We tried to look at things from a medical standpoint and not an emotional one. We all tried to put ourselves last and Jeff first. The decision was made. Jeff deserved better than the existence he currently had and would have for the rest of his time here. I still cannot use the word “live” because that was not what he was doing. He was existing. The man that always had a project going on or one in the works was now trapped in a body that was no longer working. He needed to be free and we knew that. I will forever be thankful for the tremendous amount of strength my kids had during this time. I am forever grateful for the friends who stood beside me during this because if it had not been for them, I would have never made it through.

Now, he is gone and it’s me and my brain. To this day, me being alone with my brain can be a dangerous thing but back then……..UGH. The overwhelming pain was crushing. It wasn’t just emotional, that pain easily becomes physical and there is not a doctor in the world that can fix it. I quickly had it in my head that I just needed to survive the year of firsts – first birthdays without him, first holidays without him, first anniversary without him and so on. That was my focus, get through these things and I would wake up on 1/15/2018 and be a new person. I’d be back to normal. I just had a year to get through and I’d be fine. During that year, I saw a widow post about how terrible the second year was and she felt it was worse than the first. I remember I wanted to tell her she was insane. There was no possible way that I could feel worse than I did right then. So, I went right back to handling the year of firsts. I jumped on any airplane I could so I was anywhere but home. The trips allowed me to see people I hadn’t in a while and see some places I had never seen before so they were a positive. I know I didn’t enjoy them as much as I would today but they were all a good thing. And then 1/15/2018 came! I woke up and was CRUSHED!!! I felt awful. I was in pain. Maybe I was in more pain that before. WTH!!!!!! I survived the year of firsts!!!!! OH CRAP!!!! Now I get it. The year of firsts was difficult but entering the year of seconds made me realize, this is FOREVER!! I now have a year of seconds and after that a year of thirds, and then a year of………. FOREVER! He was gone. It had happened and he was never coming back. He would never be beside me again. We wouldn’t kiss good night ever again. We wouldn’t hold hands in the car and play “Who sang this?” again. We wouldn’t have a meal together ever again. We wouldn’t have a fight ever again – yes, I would have been happy to have him around for a fight because then at least he was with me. That woman was right – the second year was worse! But, I made it through. I made it through with the support of people who still remain in my life. My kids supported me any time I told them I was going away and they were on dog duty. They all became “Team Mom” members and did whatever they could to try to make things easier for me. My dearest friend, Cheryl was a champ! Every time I said, “Do you want to?” she never hesitated to say, “Yes”. Those yes responses gave me glimpses of normality whenever we did something. So many things……trips (Ireland, Portugal, NC, NYC, Brigantine), meals, shopping trips, walking Longwood and on and on the list goes. I have told her before, I will never be able to truly tell her how thankful I was and still am to have her in my life. My Hockey Mom Buddy, Janice. She was on call all the time and made sure to check in on me consistently. I needed that and she knew it. She would go out to eat with me even when she knew she would be sitting across from a woman losing her shit at some point during the meal. My Dad continued to be my voice of reason. Any time I was losing my shit, I could call him and as he did so many times before, he could talk me down from the edge. I miss my Dad terribly but I know he and Jeff are having a great time together wherever they are today.

I look back and am so thankful that Evan put me in my place a couple times when I needed it. The first time came when I was having a meltdown in my room. I was talking to Jeff and quite often I would start by telling him how much I loved and missed him and ended up yelling at him for not being there! Evan heard me yell at Jeff for leaving me. He quickly corrected me and told me to never say that again. He told me Jeff did NOT leave us but instead was taken from us. He was right! I couldn’t be mad at Jeff. If I was going to be mad, there were a ton of people I could put on that list and Jeff should not have been included. The other time Evan snapped me back was when we were having a conversation and I apologized to him. I told him I was sorry that it was Jeff that was taken and not me. I explained to him how much better they would have been if the situation was reversed. Jeff made considerably more money than I did. Jeff could fix things in a second that I would either need to have the boys do or hire someone to do it. Jeff just seemed to have more to offer them than I thought I had. And once again, Evan looked me in the eye and told me to never say that. He told me that it simply wasn’t true. He then told me why he felt that way…….he said Jeff would have never been able to live without me. And once again, I was schooled by my son but thankful for his words.

Here I am, 6 years after losing Jeff. I am thinking more clearly. Do I have my moments? Of course I do but I am so much better than I was. Am I a work in progress? Yup, but I was before and I think everyone should always be a work in progress. We always have room for improvement. Yesterday, I even started back on my goal to write a book. In addition to that, I have another “project” in the works. I guess I am thinking!!!!!!!!!