You’ve got this! You are the strongest woman I know! So proud of you! And on and on and on I can go with the list of phrases I heard spoken to me and about me and that I just couldn’t believe. I got this???? The only thing I got is a life that I didn’t expect and definitely didn’t ask for at all! Me??? Strong??? You haven’t seen me sobbing in the shower, or in my car or yelling at Jeff at the top of my lungs asking him to help me. Proud?? What have I done to make anyone proud?? I certainly do not feel as if I have done anything to make anyone feel a sense of pride but I do appreciate the support.

Memories…..I have TONS!! Mostly great ones. Ones that people tell me would get me through and for the most part, that is true. I can smile thinking of so many things in our life together. I remember meeting Jeff (which was arranged by his Mom!!! She was on a mission!). I remember our first date. I remember our dinner date that turned into our engagement that turned into a surprise 22nd birthday party – lucky for him I said yes or we would have been giving the attendees more of a surprise than they gave me!! Finding out we were going to have a baby, and then again, and yet again. A proud Dad from the first breath Jeffrey took. I always joke about it but I know that wherever he is right now, the people with him are just hoping he will stop bragging about his kids because I’m sure he hasn’t stopped!!! And now on the flip side……I have happy memories that make me cry. Why? Because they were our lasts. Lasts that we didn’t know were our lasts. Our last birthdays together, our last holidays together, our last family vacation, and more and more and more. I go back and forth as to what would have changed if we knew these were going to be our lasts and I am not sure they would have changed at all. All these lasts were great and I know Jeff enjoyed every one of them. I remember thinking, if only we had some time to prepare but then that could mean Jeff would have struggled and I would always take the “harder for me to go on” scenario than to have him go through hell so we would have time to wrap our heads around the potential of losing him.. The photo above was our last Christmas tree together. Of all the photos I could pick, why this one?? Because Jeff LOVED everything about Christmas. He loved the lights, he loved the decorations inside, he loved the shopping because he loved the smiles when those gifts were opened, he loved the music, he loved the traditions, and the list could go on forever. You name it and he loved it!! So I look at this last tree and realize the ornaments document so much about us…..our first Christmas as a couple, our first Christmas as a married couple, our children’s first Christmases, our hockey obsession, our jobs, our hobbies, our lives even before we were US. It always was a beautiful tree. I would love sitting in the room that was entirely lit by the tree lights. I would love that Jeff would take the timers off for the outside lights and the tree lights on Christmas Eve so they would be on the entire night so Santa could see our house. Our NORMALS that became abnormal in one brief moment in time. Lasts that even today make me cry. I don’t cry because of the memory but I do cry because of that one word……..LAST. I think I have come to dislike the lasts because we were supposed to have more firsts!!!